In my pursuit of developing myself, both professionally and personally, I have started taking some personal therapy sessions. A surprising amount of people are surprised that a counsellor would attend therapy themselves. I explain it as, we can all benefit from time supporting ourselves, you can be amazed what you can learn about yourself and I am my only tool in my work, so I need to make sure I look after myself to be able to help others.
I am also partaking in coaching sessions, where I am working with other coaches. Both are very different as I have spoken about before but both can be very powerful in enabling us as humans to get over hurdles we are facing, come up against challenges, and be able to say I back myself to win, always. What I am currently working on, which has filtered into all my sessions no matter how I try to separate into different topics, is that of my value and worth.
I have looked at how I value myself when it comes to work, relationships, friendships, within my family and myself and it has got me thinking about how little value we can put on ourselves. It does not always have to be in relation to money or status but that of time. Back when I lived in Ireland, I would bake cakes for other people, most of them I knew personally, but I didn’t really make anything from baking the cakes. Most of the time I just about covered the cost to make them. I would always explain it as I was getting experience, or cakes are so expensive, I am saving them.
I am not saying anyone took advantage of me, but I was saying that I did not really value the work, time, effort, money, and courses I had done to be able to make these cakes, which in turn meant I did not value myself. We live in a world where we are told to be confident but those that are confident are told to not be as confident as they are.
Knowing your value means knowing that you, your opinion, and your outcome on the world matters. The difference between knowing and believing is a big thing. I know I am good at cakes. I know that I put my heart and soul into making them. I know I should charge more for them, but I do not always fully believe I deserve it, which means I am not valuing myself when in reality we should value ourselves in every aspect of life.
I have realised there are a lot of benefits from developing a positive self-worth or value. It is beneficial to one’s mental health and supporting you to progress through different challenges you may face with your mental health and well-being.
Other things include;
- Getting your needs met
When you believe in yourself and your worth, so do others. If you look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, having self-esteem, which ties into worth is one of the steps to reaching self-actualisation and your purpose for life.
- Better at problem solving and to do so confidently
Everyone faces problems regularly. When you have low self-value, these problems can make you feel overwhelmed and not able to tackle them as you would, if you believed in your value more. When you value yourself more, you find it easier to ask others for support and do not feel you have to do it all by yourself.
- Realistic with Expectations
When you value yourself more, you understand your limits and your expectations better, which makes decisions easier and more logical to make. It also means you know when to say ‘no’.
- More resilient
People that have good self-value are better able to bounce back when things do not work out right, as they understand their limitations and know what they have given is their best. They realise that if something goes wrong, it is not always failure but a time to grow and learn.
Ways to start improving your self-value and worth
For everything that is worth achieving and working on, there is no simple way to get it. It takes time and effort but by starting to introduce some of the following tips it will set you on the right path.
- Positive self-talk and affirmations, banish negative self-talk
There are lots of posts floating around with the question, would you talk to someone you care about the way you talk to yourself? And it is very true; we need to look at how we talk to ourselves in comparison to others and change that if we are not talking to ourselves positively. Making a conscious decision to any chance you get to tell yourself you have done well or each morning starting off with gratitude towards yourself.
We believe what we tell ourselves, so the more you tell yourself negative things about you or your abilities the more you will start believing it to be true and real when it is your own thoughts, not facts. So any time you notice yourself talking to yourself negatively, tell yourself it is not welcome and replace it with something more positive.
- Do what you love whenever you can
Make it a priority, not a second thought to everything else. With my cakes, I feel a sense of accomplishment when I have created something, especially when it is enjoyed by someone else. It does not have to be big either; if you love going for a coffee and reading a book, make it a priority once a week. Self-care is important to our value as much as it is for everything else.
- Take a compliment
This one can be hard but when someone gives you a compliment, do not let yourself defend or dismiss what the person has said and simply say thank you and nothing else. Take note later of how it makes you feel. It can take a lot of practice if it is not something you are used to but if you decide to only take one piece of advice from this post, let this be it.
- Start every week with an ‘I am’ statement
If you find this hard, start with factual points. An example could be ‘I am a sister’ and what it means for you to be a sister and what you give positively as a sister. You can work up to other statements like ‘I am kind’ and reasons you believe you are kind. You can work with this one as you see fit and if you are feeling brave do it in front of the mirror, so you are telling yourself what you know is true deep down, make sure it is always done with love and care towards yourself.
Making changes to how we think and feel about ourselves can be challenging, but anything that challenges us in this way is the most rewarding. It is also important to celebrate the wins when they come, no matter how big or small they are. Someone asked me to bake a cake for them recently and said they would pay me for the ingredients but could only give me so much. The amount they could give would not cover the cost, so I said I was sorry but I could not do it. Normally, I would say okay and beat myself up about it after. But it really empowered me that I said no and did not feel the guilt that I used to feel. I know I have a lot more to achieve on my journey, but I celebrated this as if I had achieved something bigger and I think you should do the same when you achieve anything towards valuing yourself more. I know you will not regret taking on board some of these points and working towards valuing you and your worth more.
