Breaking-up
I was having a discussion with a friend the other day; we have both gone through such breakups and realised that there is very little out there about coping and dealing with a friendship break-up. Even when I googled it today, one of the first things I noticed in the question box was, “Is it OKAY to break off a friendship?”
I genuinely felt pain for this person who without reading their post I could imagine the pain and confusion they were going through. Break-ups, no matter what the circumstances or the time, are not easy and no one enjoys them. I am sure most of you have had a conversation with a friend where they have told you to walk away from a partner as they are not good for you, but when it comes to friendships we don’t value our worth always in the same way.
Most people generally share a similar group of friends to their closest friend. At a point when you are questioning your friendship, you may question the loyalty of others within your group also and feel like you can’t talk to anyone about how you are feeling. If you are having doubts about a romantic relationship most people confide in their close friends for support and guidance, but where do you turn when it is a friendship? We let things slide and tell ourselves it is okay as they are our friends. But what are you at this point, actually gaining from your friendship?
Recognising when a friendship needs to end
So, first of all, how do you recognise that you are in a friendship that needs to end? I am a firm believer that we do not cross paths with someone for no reason. I have always felt this, but then I came across a poem by an unknown author called “A season, a reason or a lifetime”. I will include it below. It has helped me and many others, I believe, see things from a slightly clearer perspective.
“People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant”.
— Unknown
Some reasons you may need to end a friendship
- They have caused you pain
- They are no longer the same person they were, and you do not fit together anymore
- You are no longer the same person you were, and you do not fit together anymore
- Being around them only causes you hurt and you end up avoiding interactions with them
- They do not serve a purpose in your life anymore and you are now stronger without them
- They do not have the same morals and values as you anymore
- It is negatively impacting your well-being and others around you
Reasons that may be affecting your decision to let go
- How will this affect my other friendships and relationships?
- Will I be okay without the person?
- They do not mean what they say or do
- They really have my best interest at heart
- What about all the years we have been so close?
- But we have had some really good memories
Write your thoughts down, let them sit for a day or two, come back to them and read over the poem above again and it should give you a clearer answer. Deep down you know what is best for you, as humans we want and need the validation most of the time from others to say it is okay.
I no longer speak to two people I would have referred to as my best friends. The experiences with them both were very painful. We need to give ourselves the time to heal just like we would a romantic relationship, but others that have not gone through something like this may not understand the hurt you are going through. There is a German saying for ‘we are the best of friends’ “wir send ein Herz und eine Seele”, which the literal translation means we are a heart and a soul. In some ways break-ups with friends are even harder than romantic relationships because you are your full self with this person, they are your other half through everything in life and may have gone through a lot with you over many years.
Moving forward
With all that hurt, pain and uncertainty, moving on is difficult. How can you explain at work, to your other friends that this is happening to you and you are struggling with it all? There are many posts, groups and even apps for those moving on from a break-up but how can you do it when it is a friendship?
Important lessons I learnt from both my break-ups with my first best friends is that it is completely uncertain. There were times when I was emotionally upset and not able to focus. I learnt some people see and believe what they want to believe for themselves, this included my family. It can be empowering, I felt so proud of myself that I said enough was enough and I was not letting these people dictate my life and treat me the way they did anymore. When I told one of our closest friends, I expected them to be disappointed in me. Instead, they turned around and told me they were proud of me for standing up for myself when I explained what had happened. They did not take either side and remained friends with us both. Just because one friendship is bad does not mean that either person is bad.
Here are some more tips that I have learned from both my break-ups.
- They are horrible
- Do not expect or make friends chose sides
- Friends will not know what to do
- They may even try to get you back together again or make situations awkward
- You will not know what to do
- You will want to talk about it all with them but cannot
- You will have points where you will question what you are doing
- You will need to remind yourself of the hurt and pain that led you to the break-up
- Remind yourself that you are not a bad person
- Avoid checking social media
- Come to terms with how other friendships may change and how other people react
- Believe in yourself and that you are a strong person
- Forgive yourself and the other person
- Remember what they positively gave to you and your life
- Give yourself time to heal
- If possible be around animals, they are natural healers and non-judgmental listeners
- Reach out to someone away from that group and do some form of activity, be it the cinema, a walk or the beach
- Realise the friendships that are now important to you and friends who you may not have considered more than acquaintances before may be more of a secure friendship for you right now
- Do a mind map of what you have gained from the years of the friendship and how you can use these to go forward with a new insight into life
- Seek outside support if needed, if it gets too difficult to work through this by yourself touch base with a counsellor or a life and development coach
The end of anything is hard and they say time heals everything. I sometimes find random tasks to do, one last week was to write a letter of gratitude to someone who has hurt me in my life. The instructions also told me it was important to not feel hostile towards the person. I thanked them for everything I have gained from our friendship and how it has helped me continue to grow. I thanked them for the good times we had together and the belief they had in me. It felt easy now to write it without hostility as many years have passed and I know we have both impacted each other’s lives for the better and would not be who we are today. It does not mean that there is not still that feeling in my stomach when we do cross paths now. There is no right or wrong way of coping and dealing with the loss of a friendship. You can also feel the same experiences when someone moves away. Grow through what you go through and remember our paths cross when they are meant to. I hope this has helped you in the journey you are going through now and I wish you well.
