Sure, we are all in this together!

In the midst of COVID-19, we are seeing everywhere that we are in this together and yes we are all in this world epidemic together, living every aspect of it, together. But really we are, each, living it, very, very differently. When I decided I wanted to write a post about the new norms of social distancing and isolation that we are experiencing at the moment, I had thought about writing about the different groups in isolation, single, with a partner, as a family, elderly, and single parents. The more I looked into different articles about this topic, I realised that there is so many more, and I am probably only taking in some of them.

One thing that is clear is that this is going to have a lasting effect on each and every one of us in some way or another, how we learn to adapt will be part of how we can positively come out of this. People may have experienced adverse effects before most countries went into lockdown, others may be struggling now, others may struggle when this is all over to cope, some people it may only hit months after we are back to normal and others may not be knowingly affected by what we are going through. But everyone’s thoughts will change in some way, shape or form.

Long periods of isolation (months on end) can affect our brainwaves and how we process and react to different situations and life in general. Lawrence Palinkas, from the University of Southern California, states that “under conditions of confinement, the brain and one’s behaviour begins to exhibit something similar to the hibernation of animals during winter months”. He also says, that when we are exposed to restricted amounts of light, it can make the brain slow down to “conserve energy”. I am, what I believe to be anyway, a very self-aware person. I enjoy being busy and getting involved in different things that help me and other people. This time has made me realise how we all don’t know what it is to slow down to an almost complete stop and this may be one of the first times ever that people are really spending quality time with themselves.

Any of these situations, have both positive and negative aspects to them and both can also depend on how self-aware you are and generally able to cope with your own mental well-being. Being able to cope with your own mental well-being doesn’t mean that you are free of mental illness or concern, it just means you know even when things are going bad that you have go-to things or people to support you. Now is 100% the time, no matter how you feel or how mentally stable you believe you are, to talk to someone about the feelings you are experiencing. It doesn’t have to be a therapist or coach, although they can be helpful with framing your thinking, it can be a trusty friend you both discuss what you are going through and exchange ideas.

Living on your own:

Depending on your personality, maybe is the easiest thing at the start, you have your own space and can figure out what you feel about this situation by yourself. It can be a time to really get to know yourself and building a positive relationship with yourself (this is important for everyone during this time) but most importantly when you are living on your own. This time can build up social anxiety that can experience after this is all over, that we never realised we had.

Tips for living on your own;

• Make sure to make a routine and stick to it
• Remember some days will be harder than others and that is okay
• Remain and keep connections with others
• Make your space clean and tidy, this is your sanctuary, make it look and feel this way
• Re-arrange your space if need be and create different spaces for different activities. Example of this, although I do not recommend working in your room as this is a place of sleep, I have put a table in a corner of the room where I have made it my office. I am facing the wall and away from my bed. I keep the windows open when possible to allow natural light and fresh air in. I also never go straight to my desk from bed or straight to bed from the desk, so my mind can distinguish the differences in the spaces.
• Be proactive, and use your time wisely. I am using this time to develop my writing and learning a new language. It doesn’t have to be anything like this but I am sure there is something that interests you or something that you have wanted to do. Why not start it now?
• Focus on what you can control. You cannot control what is going on outside your doors but you can control how you react to it and this can control how you feel.
• Take care of yourself. We can all fall into the habit of working longer hours, as there is “nothing else to do”. This will cause you to burn out and not get as much enjoyment out of your job. Or if you are unable to work at the moment, don’t just watch TV all day. Set yourself a task to do, one self-love task each day, it can be as simple as telling yourself that you are amazing.
• If it feels like it is getting too much, seek professional help.

Living with someone else;

It may be seen that living with someone through this is the better option; you are not ‘alone’. In this part, I am taking into account living with your partner, sharing with a friend or family member. With couples, you have a lot of different dynamics to take into account. You may be in a controlling or abusive relationship. You may not spend a lot of physical time together, you may only just have moved in together, newly married, not long together and have now been forced to live together, one may have lost their job because of COVID-19 and the other has to work from home. Some similarities with someone you are sharing with, you may now be in a close space with people you don’t know very well and/or particularly don’t like but you are lucky because you are not ‘alone’. In some ways, you may feel more alone being with someone else as you don’t have your own full space.

Tips for living with someone else;

• Routine again. Have your own routine and that can include time together, whether one or both of you are working or not working, you still need to do your own thing. Make sure to create time and space for just you. Ensure you are not working all the time and take breaks together.
• Re-arrange your living space if need be. Make it a happy place and if you can make a new space that is just yours. Think back to being a child and creating a tent where you can hide out, get imaginative.
• Have a safe word, that allows the other know you are not coping and either need their support or need space.
• Don’t presume you know how the other person is doing or feeling, we will all experience and cope differently to how we may have coped before.
• Keep communicating. The worst thing you could do is to stop communicating what is on your mind, now is a time to even communicate more.
• Recognise and accept that this is going to be a testing time and embrace it to the best of your abilities. You might find out new ways to deal with situations and about the person you are living with. You may learn that there are many ways to do something and say something and that one way is not always the right or only way.
• Try put big arguments on hold, note them down if you must and journal about them separately but agree to not deal with them for the moment. This is particularly important if one of you is sick or has symptoms, one or both of you may also be worried about family and friends.
• When faced with a conflict, think, what does the other person need, feel or want at this time and how do I best respond before taking any action.
• Have a 3:1 ratio balance of 3 positive to 1 negative, where for every one thing that annoys you or puts a strain on you or the relationship, there is three things that are good. Note when this may be changing and re-balance it. This will help keep a more peaceful environment.
• Embrace doing new activities or hobbies, both together and apart.
• Get to know each other again or better.
• Become each other’s family.
• Talk about potential conflicts early on.

Living with a partner and kids;

Life has changed a lot for this group. Parents are now teachers, potentially juggling their own job, having kids, no matter what age they are, all stuck inside together. Younger kids, not fully understanding what is happening and having lots of energy to burn, older kids, understanding but not knowing how it affects them, teenagers, who struggle to not have interactions with their friends and grown-up children who have their own life outside of the family but still live at home. This may be the first time or the first time in a long time that so many of you are having to spend time together.

Tips for living with the whole family;

• Establish a routine. Keep your day as normal as possible, this will make it easier to re-adapt after all this is over. So get up at a normal time, don’t wear your pyjamas all day, try to get some form of exercise and family time. This can be hard if both parents are working but set up a tag team schedule, where you both have specific time that you work and support your children so one person isn’t doing their own job and all the support with the children also, no matter how much more important one parent’s job is, it is vitally important to still share responsibilities. Although academics are important, what is more, important right now is how you support yours and your child’s well-being.
• Set daily goals and expectations for everyone. Have 3 things you want to achieve each day, you could have three things at work and 3 for family or 2 for work, 1 for family, but make sure you have 3.
• Have designated areas of the house for work/school, this might mean creating new spaces. With younger kids, for school, maybe include a class picture of their friends so they feel they are still close to them and make video time, where possible, to reach out to their friends and know they are not the only ones going through this.
• Talk to each other about what is going on and be age-appropriate, young kids can pick up on a lot and misinterpret information a lot.
• Treat each other with kindness every day, this is a hard time for everyone no matter what age you are.
• Be mindful of how children pick up on how you are feeling and aren’t able to comprehend what the feelings they are feeling are.
• Be patient, in everything.
• Don’t work too much or expect the children to work as much as they would of in school. During periods of isolation, our brains can start working slower to preserve energy.

Single parents;

They may be working and trying to juggle a toddler and work, or not being able to work at present. They may have young kids that can’t understand what is going on and why, if Daddy had been coming to visit, has disappeared, and may feel that they have done something to cause this. Older kids may rely on you more. A mother is a child’s emotional safe-space, they may act up more around you whether you are a single mother or not, but you can get all their emotions all at once. You are now home all the time and can create a strange imbalance of their emotional outputs, which can cause extra stress on what stress you already have as a single parent.

Tips for a single parent;

• Give yourself a break, there is going to be good and bad moments and days. Roll with them the best you can.
• Children cannot understand what is going on, no matter what age. They will pick up on how you are feeling and this is how they will feel.
• That is a lot of pressure on one person, so take care of yourself. Remember the safety principal from flying in a plane. When the oxygen masks come, attend to yours first, then others. If you don’t look after yourself first, you are not giving your full self to your kids.
• Reassure children that this is not forever and it will be okay again.
• Have face time with family and friends so you and the child can still have connections with people they feel safe with.

The after-effects of this will be felt by everyone. Divorce lawyers predict there will be a rise in divorces. December is set to be a time when the maternity wards are full. We should avoid making any decisions too quickly, even in the months shortly after. This time has the potential to make relationships with friends, families, children and partners stronger or not, which makes it so important to keep communication strong. The repercussions on one’s mental health may show at different times, and it may be months after this has all ended, which it will, that it affects people. Loneliness and isolation can have negative effects on your physical health also; it can weaken your white blood cells, which is more harmful than obesity, and a similar effect to smoking daily. What is important is supporting yourself and keeping in contact with the ones you love, this isn’t going to last forever as long as people listen to what we are told to do. Think of one positive every day and write down things you are grateful for; we will talk about this experience for years to come. We have amazing resources like the internet and we are not alone, just temporarily apart. Remember to grow through what you go through!

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/ce-corner-isolation