I have done a lot of thinking about this one for some time and knew it was something I wanted to delve into more, especially in the current climate. It took me some thinking and time to set my mind on what part of contact with others to even look at.
We have five senses; Sight (visual), Sound (audio), Touch, Smell and Taste (last 3 comprising of you kinesthetic senses). The first of our senses to develop even before we are born is the one of touch. It has come down the line from our primate relatives and it was a distinct part for their development and their grooming process. As a baby, we need and crave the emotional stimulations from physical touch, especially that of our mothers. We learn from a young age how touch can relieve stress and offer comfort and safety. Studies have shown how the impact of these interactions, or lack of, when a baby is young can affect a person’s physical and mental well-being when they are older. Something to think about, right?
For the most part of this post, I am going to focus on the physical aspect of touch, the importance of it and how isolation is affecting us and changing the way we interact with each other from now on. Also, ways to cope with not being in contact with others, whether you are someone who is generally a physical person or not.
I have seen lots of articles about the way we have changed how we interact, from before COVID-19 was even close to becoming a common word in every household. With 2020 being a very technology-based world, we now make friends, date, find jobs, attend interviews, conferences, book reservations, order food, listen to music, watch television, you name it. There is probably somewhere in the world at least that it is happening, you can even program your wireless vacuum cleaner to work from your phone no matter where you are. We had already entered a new phase of the 21st century that is changing how we interact with each other. It can be good in ways as sometimes people find it easier to really express more behind words than they might when in physical contact with others. On the other hand, studies have shown how missing out on human contact and being ‘skin deprived’ can have lasting effects on someone. Studies have also shown how physical contact can have a positive impact on others both physically and mentally, helping our immune system and to cope with stress.
https://www.healthline.com/health/touch-starved#type-of-touch
Now, although I am a counsellor, life coach and a Pisces, I am not a big huger. I adore hugging my nieces and nephews, I get a lot from physical proximity to others and believe I am much better at my job when having face to face interactions, but I am not someone who needs a lot of actual physical contact. When it comes to relationships, I get a different feeling from a hug. I understand after being in a long-distance relationship how much more not having that contact and then after months of being apart, the impact a hug from someone you deeply care about has on me anyway. This was another reason I had thought about this post, having been in a long-distance relationship it gave me an appreciation to how others may be feeling now, and not just those in relationships, now separated from their other half, but people who are living on their own and separated from family and friends. Especially those living in different cities, countries or continents from their families, times like now can make it even harder to not be in physical contact with them.
I had seen an amazing video on social media the other day; a daughter had made a plastic screen with long plastic gloves going out one way and a smaller set the other side. The video starts with a group of kids, one as young as one and a half years old, getting so excited shouting, “it’s Grandma!”. When the Grandmother gets out of the car her daughter explained that she had created this screen so she can safely have contact with her grandkids. Both sides were so happy and excited being able to embrace each other boosting both sides overall well-being. I have a sister who is a frontline worker and although she has been able to have contact with family through social distancing, she really struggles with not being in contact with my nephew and has expressed how he knows she is avoiding him and actively tries to get to her.
There are lots of other photos of people visiting elderly that live on their own and talking from the other side of the window. I myself, due to my health, have been in the most completely isolating. I am lucky enough to have a sister who is doing the same so I can go visit her and her family once a week. However, I decided to go for a walk last week and there were two people in front of me walking and it made me really anxious. I spend a lot of time online talking to people and have not felt any major issues with not being in contact with people until I realised how anxious this made me.
I mentioned proximity earlier and to be honest until I did a Therapeutic Crisis Intervention Training by Cornell University, USA, a number of years ago, I had no idea what it meant. Basically, it means nearness, it isn’t a set distance of how far or how near you are to someone. I really enjoyed this training; the main objective is supporting a child, generally, those that live in the care of the state and have difficulty already with maybe regulating their emotions. I have used so much of what I have learned in the theory side from this training over the years, where proximity comes into the training, it is referred to as behaviour techniques. The training states that the “fact of having a caring and supportive person close by can have a calming effect on a young person, it can help reduce stress and de-escalate a situation”.
This just shows how important the impact of having someone close to you can be without any psychical contact. Children crave psychical contact with others. I know when I hadn’t seen my nephews for a number of weeks when this first caused us to go into lock-down, the hug I received was worth just as much to me as it was to them. Even if you think of what your daily lives were like before this, we would have come into more contact with people than we realised, shaking hands, paying for shopping, receiving a parcel, getting a massage, getting your hair or nails done, at the gym, playing sports, walking past someone, holding the door open for someone and so many more, before even talking about hugging and embracing others.
So why is physical contact/proximity so important;
- helps against depression
- helps against anxiety
- helps support better sleep
- comfort in times of distress or stress
- builds your immunity
- shows love and support
- develops your social skills
- makes things feel more real
- it can make your brain happy
- build a stronger connection
- it can support your physical and mental health in many ways
- it can express words and feelings when you can’t vocalise them
So, at the moment what can we do to still boost these feel-good factors for our mental and physical well-being, without being able to touch or be close to one another?
- Learn the power of your own touch, there are amazing short videos on YouTube for yoga and self-care that brings you through gentle movements of giving yourself a gentle shoulder massage
- Hug yourself
- A hot bath with sea salts and a nice candle
- Meditate
- Wrap yourself up tight in a blanket
- Have a cup of tea with someone virtually, yes it is not the same but if you have a cup of tea together or some other hot drink you can feel the comfort of the drink and feel more connected to your friend
- If possible, have a pet of some sort
- Watch a movie or TV show with someone, on zoom or whatever platform you are using, and discuss what is happening
- One of my friends and I would regularly have breakfast together on a Friday morning. We continue to do it virtually, we continue to keep what was normal before, which gives us a small part of that contact.
- I also every evening do Zumba with my sister and some friends, we log into Zoom together and do the same songs at the same time. This is a great way to be social and active, it can also like the two points above, make your brain feel you are in closer proximity with others.
- Take the opportunity to stop and thank the staff working at the checkout, this can help boost everyone’s well-being
- If you have a heated pillow or hot water bottle, (yes I live in the Middle East and still own one for comfort/sports injuries) wrap your arms around it to feel the warmth or comfort.
- Have contact with at least one person each day. If you live alone Zoom someone to say ‘hi’ and preferably not connected to work.
- If you really want to extend your touch, invest in a back massage
- I was having a really difficult day the other day; I received a message from my friend to say she had left something outside my door. It was some chocolate. Now, my friend knows how much I like chocolate, but that small act of kindness made me feel loved and supported as much as it would have if I had received a hug at that point because I really actually needed one.
- With this, giving someone something can have an impact on you too
- Food, I nearly forgot about it, but comfort food is there for a reason and can have a positive impact on us. When I get homesick, I make Irish soda bread and Beef stew, just like my mother would make it and I can imagine I am home sitting in front of the fire in our living room
- Scented candles can have a positive impact as well
So, lots of food for thought there. It is important, I believe for, when we go back to our new normal, that we have spent some time to focus on these things or re-learning how to be around each other will be more difficult. We must also not forget that when we do return to our new normal, we remember how we do need to be in physical contact with each other and not avoid each other completely as it can become a learned behaviour from this pandemic.
I wish you all luck. I hope you have taken something useful from this and if you have any other ideas of what we can do to still get the aspects of proximity/touch that we are missing at the moment, please leave a comment below so I can share it with others also.
