So, what is rejection – it is basically pushing someone or something away. Studies have proved that rejection can have the same effect on you as physical pain does. I have spoken before about how our minds and body are wired together. But why does rejection have such a big impact on our physical body? I believe the reason it has such an impact is that we do not always deal with rejection adequately and understand the impact it is having on us; so we push it aside, rejecting our emotions and feelings of rejection.
There are lots of different areas that rejection comes into play. For today, I am going to look at 4 areas career/work, social, self, and romantic.
Career/work
Let me start with career/work, my first real taste of career rejection was when I moved to Australia a little over a year after graduating. I had applied for different jobs the previous summer and had a massive folder of all the different jobs I had applied for. I had already got a part-time job and was waiting for my broken arm to heal to start, so I was not overly concerned with not getting any responses to the 50 or so jobs I had applied for. I got another short-term contract then and I worked hard for a year to save up and move to Australia. When I got there, it was my first real-time living fully on my own, so I needed to get a good enough job to pay the bills and potentially sponsor myself so I could stay in the country. Straight away I started to apply for jobs. I quickly got some agency work, but this would only tick box one and pay the bills. I lost count of how many jobs I applied for. When I got a letter to say that I was not being called for an interview, it actually made me happy; it meant I was being acknowledged.
It is strange how being rejected can actually make you happy, in a strange way it made me feel valued. Fast forward a few years to my last job back in Ireland, in a big enough organisation, one of the area managers questioned me about my not going for a different position. I explained to him that I had tried on different occasions, but had not been successful. He decided to see why I had not been successful, as he was confused as to why I had not been. He also asked me to do a mock interview with him. He informed me after about how bad I come across in an interview and do not share enough about what I do, and the effort I put into my work. In my degree anyway, they never teach you that you must sell yourself to prove you are capable. It is very disheartening to know, and I am sure a lot of you reading this have been in a similar situation, someone else gets a job over you plainly because they are able to talk about themselves with unicorns and flowers. I know I am a good worker and give what I can to any job that I do, no matter what it is; but telling someone this is another story.
The next level of work rejection is not being listened to in your position as people do not see the importance of what you do or even in you, and not getting a promotion you deserve. Some of the same issues may be the case as I have mentioned already or there may be somebody that has been decided for the position for whatever reason. For anyone that has been in any of these situations, keep at it. I have been rejected for 100s of jobs and been too emotional in the worst of situations, but I believe it shows the passion I have for what I do. The right job will come that will inspire and value you. I truly believe this, as I am in my current job for the last 4 years and came into it thinking I hadn’t a clue what I was doing, all due to past rejections. But I am doing well, with the right support, guidance, learning to stand on my own, wanting to prove myself wrong, and show others I could do this. I have got to a point where I know I am doing a good job, I won’t help everyone I work with but I have helped a lot at the same time. It has inspired me to continue the quest and journey I have kept putting off in ways for the last 10 years, which I feel more ready and capable for now. My point is that sometimes rejection at work can be the making of something else; amazing if you take the time to believe in yourself.
Social Rejection
Growing up, attending school and so on you are taught how to be social and interact with others in a particular way. However, we are not all the same, and depending on many different factors can interact differently. Yes, some people prefer to be on their own or may say this, others prefer to be around lots of people. Everyone in some shape or form wants to be socially accepted by others. But social interactions are not only something we crave as humans, it is something we need. Social rejection is one of the most difficult ones. You cannot change how others interact and you as a person need interactions to help you grow as a person. There is not enough importance put on the negative impact social rejection can have on a person. I am sure it has happened to most if not all of us at some point in our lives, but the impact will differ for everyone and how often it happens.
It can impact each and every part of your life and can be really damaging to one’s mental health and wellbeing. It is also one of the hardest ones to change, even though it should be the easiest. My tips for everyone, note if you are rejecting someone, why are you doing so, would you like the same done to you or someone you care about, what is the impact on you and the other person if you don’t reject them for whatever reason. This is for adults and young people; we do not always realise the impact we have on others. If you have or are experiencing rejection, remind yourself that this is not a reflection of you, but more so of the other person.
Self-rejection
I could write a whole post on its own for this one, but today I will keep it short. This is the hardest to heal from, not impossible, and the rewards when you have healed can be amazing. When we reject a part of ourselves, we do not believe in ourselves and it is hard for others to believe in us too then. Self-rejection can come from childhood experiences, not feeling good enough and bullying, to name a few. The first step to healing is to start believing in yourself. Even the small step of believing that you can do something can help. When someone gives you a compliment, say thank you. This might seem stupid but for those who never really take a compliment, this is really hard and can be really impactful when you learn to do it. Every day tell yourself something good about yourself and something you are grateful for in your life. These are all just small steps to start with but something I do not think you will regret.
Romantic rejection
Finally, this one can be the most evident one. I read a post a while ago stating that you date someone to marry them or break up, and when you think about it, it is kind of true. Now in the present world and depending on where you live and your culture, marriage can mean a lifelong partner. However, each relationship is inevitably one or the other. What if the relationship is divided and both partners feel different? One is building up for a future together and the other sees the relationship with an expiration date. Each relationship, no matter how many previous relationships there have been before, comes with a level of ‘baggage’ that includes your culture, thoughts, beliefs, values, and past experiences. When you break up with someone for whatever reason or they do with you, there is a feeling of loss and some rejection. Emotions can make you see things differently and internalise everything. When I broke up with someone before, I was really hurt and caught up that they had said “it was inevitably going to happen.” Why did we even try if this was how they felt? Fast-forward some time when I was not as emotional about losing this person from my life, I realised it was not actually about me; they were saying this to help themselves. As if it was always going to happen, then it will comfort the pain.
Another level is when you put yourself out there to tell someone how you feel, and it is not reciprocated. This can be just as hurtful, but we do not allow ourselves to process it fully thus adding to the emotions of something else. No two people will go through romantic rejection the same, but somethings that may help include, truly giving yourself time to heal. Do not dwell on what went wrong and what if things were different. Be kind to yourself – remember that you are also grieving. When you are ready, look forward and take your learnings with you and journal – write down what you are thinking and help yourself through it.
So, there is a lot to take in there with those different types of rejections. Can past trauma affect each of these areas and do we all have past trauma? I believe so, in different ways and to different levels. The common ground with everything in someone’s life is they themselves. Now when most of us think of trauma, we think of something horrific and life-altering happening to someone. But that is not always the case. Anything that has an emotional strain or impact on you that you carry with you, sometimes unknown to yourself, is trauma. Some situations can be manageable and we can support ourselves through them or with the help of others. But sometimes we need more support from a trained professional, which is important to recognise. I would go as far as saying that we would all benefit from some counselling to support us in this crazy world we live in. Also, this is another reason I have got into coaching, to help others see their own potential and reach goals they thought were not always possible.
Try the tips I have given above, if you are healing through rejection and if you feel you need more, then reach out to someone for some counselling. I have never heard of anyone regret counseling when it was with someone properly trained.
